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"He pulled out his phone and brought up a photo of a woman - not me, but could be sort of. DAMN! There was some kind of genome juju going on. The really odd and scary thing was that I had a secret yen for my son to make love to me. He never would. He was dead, war, Iraq, IED, at 23. Afterwards I found the stuff he had written on his computer he left behind at home. Fantasies of sex with me, his mother.I read of his deep love, his wish to demonstrate it physically to me. His words spoke of a respect for me that had kept his desire secret unto death. But it didn't follow him to the grave. It lived on in his lurid writings on the hard-drive and in the driving lust it sparked in my loins for my son's hard-on. Now that he was gone, it seemed almost a double loss as the lover he might have become to me. Now we could never know that joy. But through reading his fantasies I was able at least to masturbate dreaming of my boy fucking me. Then I began to create my own "what if" dreams of incest.. Joe and pretend thatit changed into my sister's Barbie." So it has been a part of you for a long time?" Yes. It has." Don't you think that if I could erase it, that it would make you feelimcomplete. Don't you think that it might make a hole within you thatwould make you worse than you believe that you are now."It was a very hard question. In the end, it didn't matter. I couldn'timagine anything being worse. It was painful to go through life feelinglike you were somehow like a freak."No. I don't care. I just want that part of me to be gone." What if we could do something else." Such as?" For instance, have you considered having a sexual relationship with aman?" NO!" I objected. "I am not a homosexual." If you were a woman, as you want to be, you would be with a man. Itsounds to me like you would be with a lot of men. What is thedifference?" It just is. I would never, ever think of having a realtionship with a man. If I was a woman, it would be different. I would be able to.
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